A Lesson for Mom

This morning, you and I made our way down the road to Blanchard Alliance Church for the kick off of their Women's INC Bible Study.  I went a little bit early in hopes to put you down for your morning nap before I went downstairs with all the other ladies.  They have a really nice, clean nursery, so clean in fact, that they have a "shoes off" policy so that little one's can crawl around on a clean floor.  I've never seen that, and I appreciated it very much, as you my dear like to scout out the smallest piece of lint or dirt on the floor and scoot your way towards it hoping for a tasty treat.  The women that serve in the nursery were extremely welcoming and kind.  They thought you were the cutest little "butterball".  It's always funny to me the things we adults say to describe the cuteness you little ones exude.

The kind ladies brought out a clean set of sheets, and prepared one of the three cribs for you.  I shut the door, turned down the lights, and sang a few songs to you.  You weren't having it.  Why would you want to sleep when there were so many new faces, and things to look at and play with?  After all, you are quite the social butterfly.  This is what almost made me back out of this Bible study;  the thought of you not getting your longest, most desired morning nap.  Dad, as always, told me that it would all work out.  I need to let go in some areas, and this would be good for me on many levels, as well as for you, to be in a social setting with new people.

I have to be honest, it was hard to hand you over to a stranger, to trust someone else to care for you.  I realize this may sound crazy.  I realize I may be a bit over protective.  I realize I need to trust a bit more than I do at times.  When I pictured myself as a mother, I never pictured myself this way.  Controlling, scared of letting go, so attached to you that it hurts to walk away from you to go to Bible study.  I knew I would love you like crazy, but this, this is new to me.  Crazy, anxious thoughts fill my head when I think of leaving you.  Dad and I have gone on a few dates, but only if Grandma and Grandpa were around, and after I had put you to bed.  I desire to go on a date and have some time alone with your Father, but then I fill with this anxiety that I am a stranger to.  At the thought of not being the one rocking you before bedtime, or missing out on something new you might do while we are away.  I love being with you, and I love you needing me.

While downstairs listening to the woman speaking, I was reminded of something both Dad and Grandpa D have said to me.  I need to put you fully in the Lord's hands.  He has entrusted you to me and your Father, but you are HIS.  He is in control of your life, and protects you and keeps you in His grasp, loving you fully and unconditionally.  I need to trust Him more.  I need to know that He is watching over you always, and even when I am not near you, He will keep you safe.  I need to let go, and give you to Him.  Zaylee I want the best for you, and I pray you give your heart to Him and live your life fully for Him.

I love you, sweet girl, and will always be a work in progress in my role as your Mother.  Have patience with me, and know all I do for you is out of love. 

P.S. The study was great.  The time spent with the women that surrounded me was such a wonderful time of sharing and getting to know one another.  And you my dear, you didn't sleep, but you were smiling and overjoyed to see me!  That made my heart happy.  We will be going back, and it will only get better each time, I'm sure of that.  You did, however, cry out of over exhaustion when we got home and refused to sleep.  That wasn't so fun, but like I said it will get better.