Yesterday I had many tears. It was your six month check-up and I was excited to see your growth. I knew you were petite, and we love squeezing your cute little self, but I didn't know it was because I wasn't giving you enough food. This broke my heart to pieces. I know you are happy, and always content, and show no signs of starving hunger or dissatisfaction, but according to the doctor you aren't thriving. She said over and over, "I'm very concerned about her weight." It took everything in me to not breakdown in front of her. I wanted to stay strong. I wanted to listen to her and take her advice without showing my weaknesses. Dad was there with us (he's amazing like that), and like always gave me the strength I was lacking. I truly pray that someday, when you are all grown up, you will meet a man as wonderful as your Father, because he is what a good man looks like.
As the nurse laid you on the scale, I was certain I would hear her say, "Fourteen pounds....", but instead she said, "Twelve pounds 13 ounces." That is an ounce less than you were at 4 months. You lost weight! You eat five times a day, and you have for quite some time now. You love your naps, and your 12 hours of sleep at night, and honestly I love it too. We have worked hard together to get down a routine, and a schedule that suits our lives day in and day out. The doctor says we have to go to extremes to make you gain weight. She wants me to wake you from your naps to enforce an every two hour eating schedule. WAKE YOU UP! What about the work I put in to make a happy baby with a predictable schedule? What about her sleep, she loves her sleep!? "Wake her up! She NEEDS to eat. She isn't thriving!" Heartbroken. Again.
I explained the trouble we have had with feeding you, and your refusal of anything put towards your mouth with a spoon. She kept repeating, "You have to force her. She doesn't get the choice. She has to eat!" We were instructed to attempt food before I offer you my milk, in hopes that you would be hungry enough to want the food. Dr. Browne also said to forget the veggies first thought, because right now you just need calories so go for the fruits to entice your palette with sweetness. We stood there taking in all the advice and tips given to put a little meat on your bones, and watched you sitting so sweetly on the exam table in your diaper. You were so adorable it broke my heart again, but this time in the best kind of way. My heart swelled. The crinkle of the paper beneath you seemed to excite you as you pressed your hands against it, trying with great vigor to grab hold of it. Dad couldn't get enough of the cuteness that was oozing out of you at that moment.
After we got you settled in your car seat, Dad held me tightly in the parking lot reassuring me. "You are such a great Mom. I tell everyone that it is because of YOU that our baby girl is so good." He has so much faith in me and my abilities, even when I have none. I called Grandma D on the way home, and remained strong with no tears. She encouraged me, just as Dad had done, and I felt a bit stronger at that moment. It wasn't until we got home and I held you in my arms that I began to fall apart. I rocked you, and placed you in your bed and the tears fell. When you woke, I placed you in your high chair and prepared a small bowl of food for you. You refused again and again. More tears. Dad called on his way home, and just the sound of his voice brought on more tears. When he tried giving you food, you opened your mouth every time. He was so patient, and you actually ate 1/3 of a jar of apples. A bit more tears.
Mothering is a hard job. A wonderful, amazing, incredible, exciting, joyful blessing of a job, but a hard job nonetheless. It brings out things in me that I'm still learning to work through. I see parts of myself that I don't really like, and I pray for strength and guidance a LOT. One thing I am certain of, is the love I have for you, and the joy I have in my job as your mom. You are happy, content, satisfied, and such a bright ray of sunshine to all those that meet you. I know this. I know that I am a good Mom. I know this is what I was made to do. And I know that sometimes I will have bad days of feeling inadequate, but I am so thankful that I have a Heavenly Father to give me strength and a husband that is a constant source of love and encouragement. We are going to fatten you up little lady, even if it takes many more tears. Last night I woke you before I went to bed to feed you again, as instructed to do by Dr. Browne. It was such a peaceful moment, that yet again, brought on tears as I watched you eating in the dark of the night. I could have stayed there all night.
No comments:
Post a Comment